What I DO know for sure...

Life has been an interesting journey for me...particularly the past couple of years. I've certainly had my share of trials, as we all do.

At 19, I met "the love of my life"...or so I thought. Four years, 10 cars, 4 homes and 3 girlfriends later (his, not mine...haha), I ended up single again. It felt like my life would end. The pain was unthinkable. I was so jaded - I had followed "The Recipe!" I tried to live a virtuous life, kept the word of wisdom, and married a returned missionary in the Temple. This wasn't supposed to happen!? Prayer, Priesthood Blessings, the support of family and friends, and TIME got me through it. Looking back, that "Trial" turned into a big BLESSING. I learned lessons I couldn't have learned in any other way.

I thought I had made it through "THE BIG ONE." I was Scott-Free! It's really quite humorous, looking back through my current lens. I thought I would only have ONE big trial! Apparently I didn't really understand that this life is a test! We're here to learn and grow, and we do that through EXPERIENCES. I can read a book and learn a thing or two, but I don't REALLY get it, until I apply it to my life.

Fast forward to less than a year later. I met "THE REAL DEAL." This guy was GOLDEN! We eloped to the San Diego temple and began our "Picture Perfect Lives" together. Or so I thought... but seriously, my hubs is a gem. AND, we've had our share of difficulties. Who doesn't?! How else could a loving Father in Heaven teach us to become like Him? How else could we learn the virtues of patience, unconditional love, forgiveness (both forgiving ourselves and forgiving our partners), mercy, kindness, and sometimes, what truly feels like long suffering. Am i right?! Marriage is great, but its really hard work sometimes!

For many years, I let my trials define who I was...

• the girl who's husband cheated on her
• the girl who had a son with a heart defect who went through open heart surgery when he was just 3 years old
• the girl who's had 6 miscarriages
• the girl who suffers from infertility
• the girl with anxiety
• the girl who suffers because of things she wouldn't tell a soul

and then one day I said...ENOUGH!!!

I am not my trials. I am not my struggles. I am not my pain. I am not my insecurities. I am a Daughter of God.

After I got home from my soul-searching journey to India, I truly thought I had beat "it". I thought I was through dealing with anxiety for good. I had faced every one of my fears head on and kicked them in the face like a kung-fu master. I had WON.

As they say, "People make plans, and God laughs." I say, God knows what we have the potential to become, and loves us enough to help us get there.

6 months after my trip, I was mis-diagnosed with Hepatitis C. Again, when the trial had passed, I thought I had learned what I was supposed to learn (what I REALLY need to learn is to stop THINKING!!! haha).

6 months later I started having numbness and tingling in my mouth and had to have a brain MRI. Everything turned out okay. "Lesson learned. DONE."

Or not...a year after that, I had to have a breast biopsy. Things turned out fine. "Learning done. Moving on."

Or so I thought...I started having problems with my voice and was diagnosed with Spasmodic Dysphonia, a neurological disease that causes spasms in the vocal cords. By now I started getting discouraged.

I have developed additional troubling neurological symptoms in the past couple of years, but I won't bore you with the details. I have been to several physicians and have had multiple tests - and nothing has turned up, both a blessing and a curse. What would be WONDERFUL is if I had something easily fixed, and I could move on. Instead...I wait. Sometimes I wonder. And often times I worry.

You are probably thinking "I thought you were done defining your life through your struggles"...and I am, but I'm trying to prove a point here. I continued trying to control my life. If there was anything I was afraid of, I could go to a doctor and get a test, or do something concrete about it - like force myself to run toward it. Instead, time and experiences have found me in a place where I have no control over the outcomes. I have no answers. The only control I do have is over my attitude and choices every single day. I have learned that life is about struggle. It is about pain. It is about opposition. (It is ALSO about joy - about sunsets, and music and wonderful people in our lives...more on that to come.)

In the beginning, I truly believed that I could pray my way through it. That He would "make it all go away." I prayed for peace. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for comfort. I prayed to KNOW that He was there. I waited and waited...first patiently, and then very impatiently. I grew afraid, angry, bitter and numb. WHY ME? WHY THIS? WHY NOW?

I turned away. I quit praying. I quit asking. I quit reading my scriptures. I even quit going to church for a few weeks. And finally, I quit believing. Maybe there isn't a God after all...maybe this is just a nice story, like Santa Claus, that someone made up to help us make it through mortality.

I also waited for something HORRIBLE to happen. Surely if He existed, He was going to punish me for turning away. I didn't care.

And then one day I woke up, and this thought came to me: "Niki, God isn't conditional, but YOU are. You turn away when you don't get what you want, when you want it. He isn't waiting to punish you for your actions. He loves you no matter what."

Over the next year I had hope at times, but I really didn't have much of a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, or of our Heavenly Father, for that matter. It was a daily struggle for me. And then one day I shared myself - raw emotion, truth - all of it, with a neighbor. A neighbor that is about as perfect as anyone I've met - not because she lives in a perfect house, has fake boobs or a husband with a lot of money. But because she is kind, gentle, charitable

and humble beyond words. She is real, and she is not judgmental. She raises her 7 children (the oldest is 10) in a Christ-centered home, home schools all of them, and has them all in music lessons. She gardens, preserves, and teaches her children to work, often at the expense of taking care of herself. She does not fit the world's definition of "perfect" in any sense of the word. She is beautiful - but she doesn't expend her energy working on that. She spends her energy on beautifying her soul and the spirit in her home.

And here is what she said:

"Niki, you are DOING IT! This is what life is all about. Some of us are blessed by knowing, and some of us have to walk by faith. Sometimes that takes a lot more courage - to be obedient and live it, even if its through blind faith."

Those words have changed my life.

And here is what I DO know for sure...

My religion is my heritage. It is very much a part of who I am. It is my map for rearing my children. My guide for living my own life. There is nothing dark about my faith. It teaches virtue, charity, love, healthy life practices, and many other noble attributes. This is the life I have CHOSEN to lead. I CHOOSE to believe. Life IS all about choice! And life this way is so much richer, beautiful and full of hope. It has been 3 years. I still live in pain almost every day of my life, and I still don't have answers, but tender mercies abound if we but open our eyes to the beauty and miracles that surround us every day.

I am grateful for:

• A loving Father in Heaven.
• My birth family.
• My husband.
• My children.
• Nature.
• Seasons.
• The earth.
• Good friends.
• Laughter.
• Tears.
• Sunshine.
• Opposition.
• Miracles.
• LIFE!
• and so much more...