aiming for...

perfection

imperfection

validation

balance

...PRESENCE

(side note - this was written in the spring of 2012)

I recently took a position as a long term substitute teacher in a 2nd grade classroom for the remainder of the school year.  Many parents were unhappy with the regular teacher.  Five children have been taken out of this class during the year.  I have been unhappy with MANY of my children's teachers throughout the years.  Having been a teacher myself, I know what I expect(ed) of myself, and I knew I would have high expectations for my children's teachers.

I have changed much as a teacher since having my own children.  I have much more compassion now.  I look at each child as if he/she were my own.  I feel so much pressure to make sure that every single second spent at school - all 7 HOURS of school - needs to be worthy of taking these sweet babies away from their mama's.  (Can you tell I miss my kids WAY too much and wish I could keep them home with me all day?)

As a teacher, I have high expectations.  I believe in my students.  I am strict, and I try to be loving and fun at the same time.  Today I had to take away a privilege - the Leprechaun traps will have to wait until tomorrow.  I also had to give them "a talk".  A talk about Mrs. Bennett going home with a headache.  A talk about violation of 3 rules.  The ONLY 3 rules we have in our classroom - 1. be safe, 2. be fair, 3. do your best.  Two of my students cried.  And it almost KILLED ME!  I felt horrible.  I quickly offered love and validation.  "Mrs. Bennett loves you all.  You are GOOD kids, but we need to follow the rules to make school a good place for EVERYONE." These kids have been in an environment for 6 months that had absolutely no classroom management/discipline, and they are eating this new stuff up, but it is definitely a big adjustment.  I have had several parents and students tell me how much happier they are now.  If I sound like I'm trying to brag, I'm merely trying to convince myself that I'm enough.  That I'm okay.  That I can DO this!  

Do you ever beat yourself up?  Are you driven to perfection?  I was at work today for 10 HOURS!!  (Keep in mind that as a substitute I get paid for 8, and even then get about $10 per hour.)  Mine was the last car in the parking lot when I left.  I was spent.  I had nothing left to offer my own sweet boys.  Nothing but impatience, and a raunchy attitude.  I find myself apologizing a lot lately.  I also find myself eating a HUGE piece of humble pie.  I complained for years that my husband worked too much and too hard.  That his priorities were not in line.  I'm realizing the thing they say about the shoes...and walking a mile in someone else's...is truer than true.

I don't even know what the purpose of this post is, other than to vent and to ask the question...HOW DO YOU DO IT?  How do you find balance?  How do you stay present?  How do you have high expectations for yourself, but love yourself at the same time?

As I was running this evening (trying to work off some "steam"), I thought....'Niki...just BE.  Right where you are.  Just BE.'  And I felt peace...at least for a moment, and then I started thinking about the past, and the future.