wanna-be-me and the courage to be imperfect...

i'm reading a fantastic book - "the gifts of imperfection," by Brene' Brown, and learning so much i can't really soak it in fast enough. the author refers to herself as a "recovering perfectionist and aspiring good-enough-ist." how well i can relate to that!

growing up as the youngest in a family of 4, i felt anything but perfect. not trying to be "picked-on" here, stay with me. having been born 7 years after my nearest sibling, i was practically an only child. "Baby Niki." there were obviously many things my siblings could do that i couldn't, due to physical size and emotional maturity. i was spoiled rotten. my parents learned a lot on the older children and by the time it was my turn, they had relaxed significantly. i got away with murder. my chores were few and my privileges were many. i'm sure this led to some resentment on my siblings' parts. (of course it would.) i was labeled (at least through my own eyes) as weak, irresponsible, spoiled, self-centered, lazy - a pansy.

as i grew, matured and went out into the world on my own, i compensated for my insecurities (shame) in that department by becoming a perfectionist. i felt "good enough" if my house was immaculate and decorated perfectly, my children's hair combed, their clothes ironed, my yard weeded, mowed and edged, and i was mostly "put together."

i remember a close friend coming over unexpectedly (with her mother) to see my home and feeling a wave of insecurity and embarrassment wash over me because i hadn't had time to prepare (translation - "fake it"). i apologized profusely. in my mind it was a mess. much later, she had the compassion to tell me what that experience did to her. it made her feel minimized, less-than, not enough...from her perspective, i had "3 Cheerios on the floor and apologized repeatedly. what would i think of her home?" that experience made me realize something. all of my "striving" to be enough wasn't making me worthy, what it was doing was making others feel less than.


having also struggled with anxiety, i began seeing a therapist. i thought i would go for a few sessions and be "cured." several years later, i realize that none of us will ever be cured of mortality. i consider myself a life-long learner. there is always more growing to do. i love learning and finding ways to make life even better.

shortly after my journey began, my therapist encouraged me to run toward the things that terrified me most. my first "challenge" was to go to church without wearing makeup, putting my contacts in, or ironing my clothes. the next week i was to do the same thing, but also let my children wear un-ironed clothes to church. i was mortified just thinking about it. "can i tell everyone what i'm doing?", i asked. "NO. that's the idea. you're going to feel like everyone is judging you. you're going to assume that they think you have flipped your lid. keep doing it until it doesn't bother you anymore. what you'll learn is this...people love you for YOU. they don't care what you look like."

i was so desperate to have more peace in my life that i went for it. that first Sunday i felt like everyone was staring at me. i felt (perceived) their worry and concern, sensed their judgement. i thought it was the beginning of the end for me socially. the next week i felt a little less uncomfortable. i realized that nothing had changed other than my thoughts about the situation. no one really even seemed to notice.

through the years i have tried to practice imperfection and what i've learned is this - WE ALL WANT TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED, and no one expects us to be perfect! if someone drops by and my house is not perfect, they will go home feeling a little better about their house. what is the worst thing that could happen? they could say my house was imperfect - who cares?! so am i! so are each and every one of us.

so many of our choices are governed by our desire to be enough. to belong. to be loved and accepted. i see it in myself, my friends and family, and complete strangers. everyone striving to be important. plastic surgery, botox, photo-shop, spending time and money that we don't have on our bodies, our homes, our wardrobes...what's it all for? our perceived notion that others expect us to be MORE. what if we were already enough? what if we were okay just the way we are? what if we had the courage to be imperfect? what if we had the courage to be vulnerable, open, real? what if we admitted that we had fears, experienced loneliness, sadness and insecurities?

what i've found it this - the more i open myself up to those that i love and trust and the more willing i am to let others see my imperfections and vulnerabilities, the deeper and more fulfilling my relationships become. i am blessed with many perfectly imperfect people in my life. i love each and every one of them because they are beautiful. many of them are blessed with outer beauty too, but what matters to me is that they are really beautiful in a way that won't ever change, they are beautiful on the inside. they are beautiful because of who they are. because of the things they believe in. because of their weak spots. because they are open. because they struggle. because they are beautifully human and not afraid to admit it.