Expectation = Pre-meditated Disappointment

I've gotta be honest - Mother's Day is not my favorite. I try not to go into it with high expectations...a few touching photos of mom with the children to look back on, and a day with no fighting/contention. That's it.  That's all I REALLY ever want. And...I realized today, that aiming low or not, I am still going into it with an expectation - and that leads to disapoinment nearly every time. This morning I picked out cute outfits for the boys (it was P's last day singing with the primary - EVER) and prepped them before church - "I want a few pictures after church for mother's day, please. That's all I want."

I wanted too much. We came home from church and T-man was DONE. He was ready to get out of his Sunday clothes and eat some food! I quickly realized it wasn't happening and told the hubs to "forget it." That it really wasn't worth it. Every time I force the issue, I end up looking back at the pictures and feeling guilty for getting frustrated with my sweet boys over something so silly - I remember "those" moments, and they're captured on film forever.

Mother's Day is hard for me for other reasons too...from the time I was a young girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I played with dolls until I was 12 or 13 years old. I began babysitting when I was 11 and practiced braiding hair, teaching primary songs, cleaning and "mothering." I had it all planned - 4 kids. Just like my mom and sister. 2 girls, 2 boys.

Instead, I had my first amazing son, 3 miscarriages, another amazing son and 3 more miscarriages...the hubs and I have been trying to have another baby for over 5 years now. I'm lucky if I can get pregnant in the first place, let alone carry a child full term. Most of the time I'm fine with it. God's will - I accept it. He has other plans for me. But mother's day is somehow different. It brings up old wounds. And stupid comments - "You know, a son is a son until he finds him a wife, but a daughter's your daughter for the rest of your life." "Maybe Heavenly Father just has other plans for you." "Maybe you should just adopt!" "I had a miscarriage once!" Or my personal favorite to date..."Empty arms can serve." I don't want empty arms!  I want to serve by being a MOTHER, like you with your 5 children!

I have been greatly blessed by my two children. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. I understand that some women don't even get to have one child. My heart goes out to them. And my heart still yearns, even aches at times, for more children. I love being a mother more than I love anything else in the entire world. Some people are not able to have any children at all, and some people have several children and neglect and abuse them - on days like today, life just doesn't seem fair.

There are so many silly things that I have stressed over as a mother...potty training, having a spotless home, dressing my children in perfectly ironed and matching clothes, combing their hair even when all they had was peach fuzz, or P-Ditty climbing into my bed at night. (When was he going to sleep in his OWN bed?!)

Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss have changed the way I think about a lot of things. I don't really care if my house is perfect or my boys look like they walked out of a magazine shoot.  Most of the time they have messy hair and dirty faces. They are little boys. They play in dirt, and they feel confident in their appearances. I go in and get T-man out of bed every single night to snuggle with him. There will MOST DEFINITELY come a time when he wouldn't be caught dead snuggling with his mommy.  P-Ditty is about there. My children are slipping through my fingers. On T's 7th birthday I went into the bathroom stall at school and cried my eyes out. I watched him sleeping last night - looked at his perfect little boy face and wanted to cry again.

I don't want my children to grow up. At the same time, I am grateful to have healthy children that ARE growing up! P-Ditty has a heart defect and has already had open heart surgery once and may be facing another one in the future - his life is a miracle in itself. Last night I remembered that all I REALLY HAVE is this moment. Today. And I will treasure it. Who needs a photo when what really matters is in my heart. Forever. And no one can take that away.

Happy Mother's Day to you.  As for me, I will be celebrating today - not because its Mother's Day, but because its simply another blessed day.