there is ALWAYS a choice...

I debated whether or not to publish this post because it is extremely personal, but then I decided that even if it helped ONE person learn, grow or have hope through their personal trials that it would be worth the risk of sharing. I had some blood screening done a couple of weeks ago in preparation for some fertility treatments and my Hep C antibody screening came back positive. The nurse said there was a high possibility that it was a false-positive b/c of my lifestyle, but because my ex-husband was premiscuous, I knew there was no guarantee.

I think the easiest way to relate my experiences is through sharing a couple of journal entries:

"I received word from my Reproductive Endocrinologist today that my blood screening abibody test came back with a positive Hepatitis C antibody and I have to be tested for Hep C, a potentially life threatening disease, for which there is no cure. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions all day, but overall I am pleased with the way I am handling it. My Patriarchal Blessing promises me health and strength and that I will live my life in comfort. I know the Lord has a great work for me to do, and I will trust in Him, to whom my life belongs." I had a blessing that night that gave me a great deal of comofort and I was suprised by how blessed I felt in spite of my concerns.

I left a couple of days later for Mexico City to attend my cousin's wedding. On the plane I wrote:

"I'm in Atlanta on my way to Mexico City. Funny thing-I wasn't a bit stressed about the flight w/my concerns now over Hep C. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for sure! Yesterday was very rough. I didn't sleep well the night before and all day I felt "dirty" like I was contaminating everyone and everything around me. I spent the day playing w/TJ and enjoying his company. Ben & I went to the temple to do sealings and we asked both of our families to join us in fasting and prayer. I read a great Ensign article on my flights-it was about faith and fear and how they cannot coexist. So-I can choose to be fearful or I can choose to be faithful! Faith heals-it can move mountains. Fear is Satan's tool of discouragement. Ben read on the center for Disease Control's website-chances of getting hep C are less than 1%,of those, most are drug abusers, had blood transfusions/blood product prior to 1992, or have body piercings or tatoos with infected needles. 15-25% of people infected spontaneously heal, and 1-5% die from the illness. I am hopeful. I am prayerful. I am faithful. I am strong. I am obedient. I am blessed. I am loved. I am a daugter of a Heavenly Father who loves ME! If I am infected, He will bless, sustain, uplift and carry me through the trials that may bring. If I am not infected-OH HOLY DAY!!! I have already promised the Lord that I will be a more righteous woman, mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, member of the church, neighbor, citizen, etc. I don't think I'm being punished however, but this has really made me remember what is important in life. Family relationships in particular! I am going to enjoy my family more, and organize, work and waste time LESS. I want nothing more than to be permitted to live a long, healthy, righteous life and to be able to love and rear my children and to become a grandmother someday. I hate that I have to go through this right now, but I accept the fear, anxiety, discomofort and uncertainty. I am a STRONG woman! I can do hard things. I am commited to having faith and to redirecting myself when I forget to be faithful."

JOURNAL ENTRY: 11/27/08:

"Happiest Thanksgiving EVER!!! I made up my mind that I was going to be faithful and not fearful and had a really good flight to Mexico City. It was a long, quiet day for me yesterday and I had a lot of time to ponder, pray, meditate and be still. It was very spritual and very healing. I made a commitment to be faithful, and to redirect myself whenever I wasn't. We went to a cathedral and to the pyramids. I had a fun day, and I had a couple of dark moments as I pondered over the blood tests, but I quickly redirected myself and remembered taht I was making a choice-I can be faithful or fearful-I choose to be faithful! When I got back to the hotel my mom said she had some good news-that Ben had called and said the preliminary tests were negative. I totally cried. Such a burden was lifted. I felt so blessed. I also felt proud and grateful for the way I handled things this week. I KNOW my Father lives!!!

JOUNRAL ENTRY: 11/30;

"I'm so grateful for the possibilities that my trip to India opened up for me! I would never have taken a journey like this before! There is a beautiful world out there, and I want to see it all!!! I'm excited to see my family and to get home tomorrow, AND I'm a bit nervous to get my final test results, but I can handle it-FAITH, not fear!"

I came home Monday night and received the WONDERFUL news that my test results came back NEGATIVE! I am so blessed. And I am grateful for the experiences, learning and growth that the last week have provided me.