I NEED YOU right now!
I am starting to get COLD FEET over this whole India trip. I am the type of person that loves to dream about something, thinking it won't ever materialize. Here's the trouble-I feel like there is NO BACKING OUT now! Of course I COULD, but I don't want to...I have signed a contract, obtained my VISA and Passport, purchased all of my "gear" and gotten all of my vaccines. All I have left to do is get my plane ticket and I'm OUTTA HERE! In the past, I have always either talked about and planed something WAY in the future and then found a reason to back out, or waited until the LAST MINUTE and planned a spontaneous trip (that way I don't have to THINK about it.) This experience is contrary to BOTH scenarios.
A lot of people have asked me WHY I'm going on this trip. Here's my answer...
I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!
I asked my hubby the same question tonight and he reminded me that the main purpose was to FACE MY FEARS (which, I might add, are growing BIGGER and BIGGER and BIGGER every day). I am worried about the CRAZY drivers getting us from point A (along CLIFFSIDES) to point B, the flight itself, being in a 3rd world country IN the MIDDLE EAST, and FFAAARRRR away from my CHILDREN, and leaving my HUSBAND in charge of them! (He is a GREAT father, but has been known to teach an 18 month old to climb out of a crib, tell a 6 year old they could walk to a neighborhood park a MILE AWAY-as long as they were back in "20 minutes", and make the children a "Melatonin" milkshake before bed...YIKES!)
Am I CRAZY for doing this? Am I going to leave my children ORPHANS?
I REALLY want to conquer my fears and to be an example of COURAGE to my children. I don't want them to live their lives in fear like I have for so much of my life. I hate that fear has kept me from living out the reality of so many of my dreams. But at the SAME TIME, I REALLY want to be here to raise my kids. And here enters another thought...Heavenly Father WILL NOT take me before my time! And then another thought....FREE AGENCY...and another....I need to learn to make my OWN decisions and STAND BY THEM...and another....I shouldn't live my life in FEAR...and another....and finally, this thought....I'm tired, I still need to read my scriptures and its 12:00 A.M.
NIGHTY NIGHT!
20 comments:
Trust me I understand fears but I think you need to do it and you can do it... I have complete faith in you. Go for it, you won't regret it!
Just my thoughts, and it may be my own fears talking, aren't there closer, safer, and cheaper places and ways to face your fears?
I think you are very brave! It sounds so exciting. I understand your apprehension though. I'm the very same way when I leave. It drives Aaron crazy. I've learned I'm only a mess up until I say goodbye and leave the house. Once I'm on my own, the adventure starts and I tend not to worry about home. Okay, I'm a mom and I can't completely forget, but it's do able. Sometimes when it is time to come home, I don't want to just yet. I figure a couple of extra days would be nice. Is that bad? I think it is healthy to take time to yourself once and awhile. Good Luck!
i just think...do it...and what is a week or 10 days {however long you are goin} when you look at a whole years worth of time? its nothing. however...i am with you on the outta country thing. maybe there is somewhere in the country you could go.
if you did it. you would feel like you could do anything.. and that feeling would be amazing. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!
I think you should look at the blessings from this instead of the fears...1. You have a husband who supports you in this both with his time and money. Not many husbands would say "Sure honey go have an adventure, I will take time off from work and by the way here is our savings to go do it!" 2. There are very few people who have the time and resources to have this kind of opportunity! Your kids will get older and be in more activities, trust me your life will get busier, there may not be another time to do this.
3. This is an experience of a lifetime- you will come back from this a changed person mainly because of the crazy drivers. the tea huts without electricity, being in a third world country and leaving your kids.
4. Nothing worth doing is easy!
5. People come into your life at certain times when you are ready to learn something- maybe this is your time to learn this lesson, don't throw that away.
Hope that helps- I am proud of you and I know everything will be fine and if it's not you have to trust yourself enough to know that you can deal with anything that life throws at you but to also embrace the blessings you receive as well!
I can totally understand why you would be nervous about going, but I think that since you have the time and means to go, you would always regret it if you didn't. You can't be too freaked out about international travel or you'll never go anywhere. And India really isn't the Middle East, and you're not really going alone, which I think would be kind of stupid since you don't speak the language. But going with a group in a somewhat controlled environment is like the best of both worlds: you can face your fears without taking serious risks. Don't think too much about it, just do it!!!!!!!
Niki,
When I heard you were going, I was just plain jealous. Go...don't think about it, embrace it, cherish every moment in such an exotic place. I am so excited for you. But don't hate yourself if you choose not to go.
Instead of focusing on your fears, try focusing on all the reasons why you want to go ... and the good things that will come out of it. Sometimes, conquering our fears is only about changing the perspective we look at things.
Good luck!
Don't be a wuss for crying out loud. Get your butt on the plane and go to that pee smelling country. 97% of what we worry about never happens.
I second Doug's comment, well at least the second part. From a person who just journeyed from home and came back safe I'm saying go for it! I had major anxiety before I left for Africa, so did Holly, but I can tell you I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad I went. I'll be going back next year too!
I agree with Suzy! I was freaking out....ask anyone who saw me the week before I left for Africa! I almost bailed and I'm not usually a person that is fearful or backs down to something challenging. I was worried about all the same things you are, especially the orphaning my kids part. The worst was when Britton, my 15 yr old begged me not to go. How often does a teenager care what his mom does?? He sent me the most heartfelt emails when I was gone and it's had a big impact on him since I got home. He's very loving to me and appreciates me. He hugged me for 5 minutes when we got home! It's worth the effort, time, money and seeing a third world country makes you see your life differently. It makes you appreciate all that we have and teaches us things that we can't learn other ways. I'm so enriched from my experience in Africa. Go, be happy, and have fun. Read "The Secret" as well, it sure helped me with my anxiety during the drive to north to Gulu! I'll blog some on Africa so you can get inspired more!
You better go! You are so brave. I definitely would be freaking out too...but I know that you'll come back a changed person with a better outlook on life and I'll love hearing about it!
You should totally go! Of course you have some hesitations but, that is normal. I am going to Texas by myself for the first time and I have the same feelings. Except for the strange land part, it is almost like it's own country. If your friend gillies can go to Africa and survive, you can go to India. Africa is a way scarier place than India. Just think of all the great pictures you could take:).
PLEASE GO.. for all of us that can't. You will love yourself even more and we will all be so proud of you! YOU CAN DO IT!
Just go and don't look back. You will REGRET it if you don't go and always wonder "What if?" Live life with no regrets!!
You can always ask yourself why it's bothering you. Is it your fear or is it a prompting?
I share the phobia's with you Nik! You know this right? I have been on anti-anxiety pills for a while now. I let Fear make decisions for me and I to at the ripe ole age of 35 am trying to conquer that fear. I remember how afraid I was to go to the Philippines but I did it and it was amazing. You will do great! You are so capable! The first time I got back on the plane I was sweating, shaking, vomitting-the flight attendant was worried for me. But I did it-it doesn't mean I am still not scared, and I still pray thru half of the flight and beg for saftey and protection so that I can return to my kids to be their mom. But you get thru it-one minute at a time. I always feel so good when I accompliksh something like a 5 hour flight to Hawaii. It will be amazing for you to get their and experiece all that you will. It sounds like a once in a lifetime. Remember, even deep down inside you signed up for this because you know deep deep in side that you have the strength to overcome and conquer! GO DO IT NIK!!!
you can do it, niki! If you felt good about it at the beginning, don't worry about it now. and seriously, you are always only a phone call away from your kids, even if you have to dial a hundred numbers first. It's not that different from being away from them for the afternoon. I totally relate, though - it was way to hard to leave my kids last year for Paris, but it was so worth it. So good for me to go somewhere without wipes and diaper and fruit snacks, to feel like just me (whoever that's supposed to be!). I love my kids and my role as mother, but you gotta fill the well, right? You can absolutely do this!
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I'm so proud of you honey! Just remember that if we thought about this a few months ago, we could have predicted that you might be nervous, afraid, excited and have a few other emotions as you prepare for this experience. We could have predicted that you might have even wanted to cancel or back out of the trip. Not only could we have predicted it (knowing that this would be normal), but, when it happens, it serves as a reminder for one of the many reasons that you are embarking on the journey. If there wasn't opposition and if this wasn't going to be a bit hard, it wouldn't be worth it (and beleive me, this will be worth it!). You are such a strong, amazing person and someone I look up to as a leader. I love you!
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