Learning to love and ACCEPT what is...

Last November I decided to apply for a Master's in Social Work at the University of Utah.  It was really a rather last minute decision.  With all of the "self-help" I have been involved with over the past 8 years, I figured I was either a shoe in, or a definite no.  The administration office told me that I should hear back sometime this spring.  With eager anticipation, I began checking the mailbox daily around the middle of February.  NOTHING.  I emailed the assistant for the Dean of Admissions only to learn that I was in a "floating pool" of applicants and that the administration was going to convene again on March 28 to make their final decisions.  I automatically jumped to the worst case scenario - I was wait listed...there was no chance I was going to get in.  I felt like a failure.  I was embarassed and ashamed for having dreamt I was capable in the first place.  I stayed in that state for a day or two and then worked to center myself and be present.  "Where am I?  Who am I with?  What am I doing?"

In the meantime, I have been teaching second grade full time at the boys' school.  I never imagined having the desire to teach again, but I have been loving it.  It is so fulfilling to see positive changes in the students - to really feel like I'm making a difference, in a significant way.  The parents have been so supportive and so appreciative.  From what I hear (from students, parents and teacher's aids), it has been a rough year for these kids, so I've felt a great responsibility to give them what they deserve for the last 3 months of school.  As hard as I've worked and as stressful as it has been, I feel like I am the one that's really being blessed.  They are so sweet and loving.  I really feel like the void of not having more children and having my boys in school all day has been swallowed up in working and serving others.  The principal has "unofficially" offered me a full or part time position next year - depending on my desires/availability.  A real honor and a blessing to be at the same school as the boys.  I love having them ride to and from school with me, and often sharing lunch in the classroom with P.  He even bore his testimony last Sunday about how he loves having me there.  It was very touching.

Back to Grad School and the reason for my post - My sweet brother in law Nick applied to the social work program at the same time I did.  Our mutual friend, a local social worker, told us that I would get in and he would not - strictly because he is a young, straight, white, LDS male.  Last Thursday, he came over with the news that he was accepted.  I was genuinely excited for him, and truly felt like he deserved/needed it more than I did - he is the primary provider for his family, after all.  At the same time, I felt pretty deflated.  I couldn't understand what I did "wrong" or "didn't do right".  I checked the mail Friday, and still...nothing.  I was pretty discouraged.  At that point, I would rather have received a picture of a middle finger inscribed with a note that read "As If..." than wait another day.

On Saturday Nick came over and we were all visiting on the front lawn.  I saw the mail truck come and my heart rate picked up instantly.  I didn't want to experience the discomfort of embarassment, or worse yet sympathy - the akward moment when no one knows exactly what to say or do.  I excused myself - time for a hot bath - and left Ben with strict instructions to simply open the bathroom door and give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down.  As I sat there "relaxing", heart pounding, hands shaking...I reminded myself - BREATHE - there is a bigger picture.  If I am accepted into graduate school it means one thing:  I have a big decision to make.  If I am not accepted, it means one thing:  this is not the right thing, the right place or the right time.  Everything else - all other thoughts ("I'm a failure.", "What will everyone think?!", "I'm so embarassed for even kidding myself that I could do this.", etc.) are just STORIES.  There is no way to prove that any one of those thoughts are true.  BREATHE.  Even the body sensations I'm experiencing lead to stories.  Emotion elicits a somatic response - the response is the same (increased heart rate, quickened breath, shakiness/trembling) regardless of the trigger - be it excited fear (think rollercoaster), being startled (think someone jumping out from behind a door and frightening you), or even trauma/terror (think being mugged), the body resonse is the same.  The ONLY difference is the story we tell ourselves.  BREATHE.

I got out of the bath, got dressed and went to find Nick & Ben.  I quickly told them that before they broke the news to me I needed to say something.  I told them what I had discovered.  What I KNEW was true.  I needed this experience regardless of the outcome!  I needed the learning that accompanied it - patience, soul searching, TRUTH.  And then...Ben handed me the envelope.

I'M IN!!!  I was so excited that adrenalin pulsed through my veins - that same adrenalin that had me so upset over feeling like a failure only moments earlier.  My heart raced.  My hands trembled.  What a relief. 

And then it hit me...I have a REALLY big decision to make...

• Is this the right thing for my family?
• Will I have enough time to spend with my children?
• Will I regret not taking the teaching position at the boys' school next year?
• How much will this cost?
• Will I have to work summers?
• Am I supposed to pursue fertility treatments and have another baby?
• If I turn this down will I regret it?
• Will I ever have this opportunity again?

Heart racing.  Hands trembling.  Breath shallow...SSSLLLOOOOWWWW DOWN mind...
"Where am I?  Who am I with?  What am I doing?"

This will all work out, just as it should.  There is no right or wrong, only right or left.  Let go of the story and the journey will unfold!

*If you haven't read the book "Loving What Is," by Byron Katie - I highly suggest doing so.  It will change the way you look at your life.