SHEMPA....and the BIG SKY MIND

There is a concept in Thibetan Buddhism known as “Shempa” (strange enough, shempia would mean stupid in some Latino languages) a shempa is a place where we are “hooked.” It’s something that gets under our skin, that works its way into our mind and we find after a while we can’t stop thinking about it and letting it go is difficult. Shempas are little irritants that work away at the mind. They can, if nourished, become very strong and powerful. A shempa is an addiction to a way of thinking – a (seemingly) justified projection. The ego speaks first and loudest.

Did you know that we think at the rate of over 500 WPM?  That's miraculous...and 90% of what we think is complete B.S.

• "I'm a bad..." (fill in the blank)
• "No one likes me."
• "I'm forgettable."
• "What if..."
• "...gave me a dirty look."
• "I didn't like his/her tone."
• "I should..."(fill in the blank)
• "I shouldn't..."(fill in the blank)
• "The world is not a safe place..."
• "I must be depressed..."
• "I'm anxious..."
• "...is better than me."
• "... thinks he/she is better than me."
• "I'm not enough"

Right now YOU may be thinking:  "Niki's going to leave her faith and become a Buddhist...she's going off the DEEP END!"  ;-)

Thoughts - only thoughts.  They only become a problem when we attach meaning to them.  We ALL feel anxious, sad, insecure, depressed or lonely at times.  We all experience physical and emotional pain from time to time. It's human nature.  The struggle comes with attachment - a belief that things should or shouldn't be a certain way.  Suffering comes from arguing with reality.

How do I KNOW that I'm supposed to feel a bit lonely, sad, depressed and anxious lately?  BECAUSE I DO!  Shempa is like a case of the emotional flu - it rises and falls.  There is always a beginning, a middle and an end.

It's impossible to get rid of thoughts.

And here's what's on my mind today...

What am I striving for...?

perfection

imperfection

validation

balance

...PRESENCE

I recently took a position as a long term substitute teacher in a 2nd grade classroom for the remainder of the school year.  I'm struggling to find balance between being a full time teacher, mother, housekeeper, chef, laundress, bill payer, friend, neighbor and wife.  I feel like I'm trying to do everything and succeeding at nothing.

Do you ever beat yourself up?  Are you driven to perfection?  I was at work today for 10 HOURS!!  (Keep in mind that as a substitute I get paid for 8, and even then get about $10 per hour.)  Mine was the last car in the parking lot when I left.  I was spent.  I had nothing left to offer my own sweet boys.  Nothing but impatience, and a raunchy attitude.  I find myself apologizing a lot lately.  I also find myself eating a HUGE piece of humble pie.  I complained for years that my husband worked too much and too hard.  That his priorities were not in line.  I'm realizing the thing they say about the shoes...and walking a mile in someone else's...is truer than true.  SHEMPA..."I'm not good enough.  I'm a bad mom.  I'm a bad wife.  I'm a bad teacher.  I'm a bad person. "  Thoughts...only thoughts.

How does one have high expectations for oneself, but love oneself at the same time?  Every attempt to change is an act of self-aggression...but how can we NOT want more for ourselves?  These are the things that are on my mind today.

As I was running this evening (trying to work off some "steam") and mulling this all over, I thought to myself....'Niki...just BE.  Right where you are.  Just BE.'  And I felt peace...for a moment.  Until I started thinking again - about the past, the future, and where I feel like I am falling short.


SHEMPA...this too shall pass.  Everything is as it should be.