I met with my Bishop Sunday for some guidance. I was really doubting my decision. He reminded me that in life we have to try our faith to increase our faith. He gave me this analogy: If you have a headlamp on, you can see about 3-4 feet ahead of you, but at some point you have to take a leap of faith and step into the darkness to illuminate the path in front of you. He also said that if my husband is being supportive and I had a peaceful feeling in the temple that I probably already had my answer. He gave me a blessing and told me that Heavenly Father is aware of what I am going through, that He loves me, and has something to teach me about myself so that I can help others.
I watched Oprah yesterday and there were a few thoughts that spoke to me about my purpose in embarking on this journey:
- Don't pray for the feelings to go AWAY, pray for the strength to put up with them!
- You cannot die from anxiety.
- You are NOT your thoughts.
- My fears are like a cancer-you wouldn't just take a small piece out and leave part there. You have to attack it HEAD on, which is exactly what I'm doing.
- Take life a day at a time-be in the NOW!
- If you RESIST, it PERSISTS.
My anxiety has kept me from doing a lot of things in life. It is the primary reason I have not decided to have another child yet. It has given me sleepless nights, loss of appetite, and irritable bowel syndrome which has led to excessive weight loss at times. It has made me miss out on opportunities like going to the Olympics in Italy with my husband. It has led me to DRIVE to SAN DIEGO rather than fly. It has made me cancel a Disney Cruise. There is so much more...
Anyway, here is the link to Oprah's site and you can read about it and see what you think. I don't have OCD, but I think the treatment for anxiety would be about the same. I'd say this trip definitely qualifies as "EXPOSURE AND REPONSE PREVENTION THERAPY"...you?!
http://www2.oprah.com/health/oz/slide/20080521/oz_20080521_350_101.jhtml
We had our conference call last night as well and "met" everyone that will be in our group. One of the coaches works for "NOLS" (Natl. Outdoor Leadership Schools) and trains NASA shuttle crews. He is a certified EMT and has done this trip before. This is his 3rd trip to India. Our guide, Kutty, works for NOLS India. He is also trained in Emergency Response and has been leading this course for over 20 years. Then there is my coach, John, and then 3 other students-1 girl, 2 guys.I found THIS link about the NOLS Himalaya trip, which will be very similar to ours, but ours will have a lot more of the emotional-type work.
http://www.nols.edu/courses/locations/india/index.shtml
I would LOVE to hear some words of encouragement, if you have any to offer. And I could REALLY use some serious prayers! It's not going to be an easy 3 weeks, 5 for that matter! Thx bloggers! Looks like I wasn't "SPEECHLESS" after all! ;)
16 comments:
If there's anyone who can do this, it's you for sure! Looking forward to the adventures you'll share and the memories that will live forever!
I have had struggles with anxiety, myself....but I am much more to myslef about it so GOOD FOR YOU for getting out there and facing them!!
Nikki, you can do this. I am so excited for you. Just think about all the adventures you'll have and how much stronger you will be? I have MAJOR anxiety about going places alone. I went to Germany with Aaron a couple of years ago. He had to work the entire time and I was determined to explore by myself. I cried the entire way to the train station. Bought a ticket with no one speaking English, boarded the wrong train and ended up lost in Germany with a 50 year old man named Lou (he also caught the wrong train). I can't believe how strong I became at that moment. Explored a cool new area, had lunch with Lou and learned all about his life and was able to get both of us back to our original destination. It was the coolest experience. I'm not suggestion you go out there and get lost, but challenge yourself. It is SO rewarding! Good luck to you! Have fun.
That's why I love that Bishop of yours. He is a thoughtful and wise man, with great counsel. You will do GREAT and then you will have a PARTY at your house so we can all hear about it first hand!!!
I, myself, have some very real and unnecessary phobias. I try to put them aside, but at times it can be crippling.
Rely on teh Lord and you will do well. :)
I'm sure that after you get over the anxiety hurdle and actually get to India, all will be well. You don't want to regret not going for a lifetime, due to a few days/moments of anxiety. You can do it! p.s. sometimes when I think too much/too hard about things, I find myself in ruins, not able to do much at all.
I think just writing this post, in part, you're already accomplishing something. I read it and think that I dooubt I could ever do what you're going to do, but in my head, I can totally picture you doing it. It seems to me, that you embody this kind of strength you would need for a trip like this. (well you did the last time I talked to you, and I am positive that you have kept your same personality) I have a complete belief that you can do anything you want, because you portray confidence even if you don't feel it. And that is half the battle. Just signing up for the trip and preparing for it is a HUGE step, one I doubt I would have taken. So you're doing great already.
It is the first step that is usually the hardest. If you can just get yourself on the plane then every thing will be down hill from then on. Of course there will be tears(I cried every day for two weeks away from my kids, and I am not the crying type). Just think of all the growth and self discovery. What a wonderful opportunity, you can do it!
If anyone can do it, YOU CAN! You are a fighter. You're not all talk. I know you could kick someones "A" if you set your mind to doing it. Just fight it off and you will conquer this.
OK, now I feel like pep talk priss. I should be going with you!
I am really proud of you Niki. One to recognize your fears and two to face them. Think of how far you have come... and think where this will put you, it is exciting!
I am so proud of you! I can relate to the inward struggle "brain problems" bring....Fight it and never let it win! (That's my motto.) Good for you for doing this, it sounds fun and very helpful too. ATTACK IT. Love ya tons!!
Nikki, you are such a REAL person. No wonder everyone loves you so much. I think it's wonderful that you are doing this for yourself. I'm sure it will end up blessing not only you but everyone in your life,your family and your friends.Thank's so much for sharing some of your inner struggles. It has helped me to see that I'm not the only one that has them! I just can't wait to hear about how your trip was and to see the beautiful pictures.
Niki,
You rock, and you will rock this trip! I wish I could go with you... I'll just have to hire you to help me with my issues when you get back : )
Enjoy every minute of it and take lots of pictures!
"Don't take too much council from your fears." -Pres. Faust This quote has helped me out many a time. Fear can be healthy, but it can be non-healthy as well. Getting to know your fears and facing them is very healthy. So basically, go forward and know that you have a lot of people rooting for you.
You will conquer this girl! You are stronger than you think you are. One step at a time-take a deep breathe and remember to exhale. This is going to be one amazing journey for you. You are in my prayers. I am living vicariously thru you on this one.
it is good to check in with ya! you will have the best time/experience...
you are amazing! you.can.do.hard.things. i tell myself that daily.
love ya
When do you leave?
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