i went to the doctor this morning, and this pregnancy is not viable. the strange thing is that i feel SO at peace with it! there is so much freedom in letting go, and letting God. in the past, i have prayed earnestly for His will to be done (as long as it was in accordance with MY will), but this time, i put it comptely in His hands, and i am being blessed with peace and comfort because of my faith. i know that He loves me more than anyone and sees the beginning from the end. i do not know WHY this happened, but the beauty is, I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHY!!! i have been working really hard for the past 4 years in therapy, and recently with a life-coach to become the BEST me i can be, and i am learning and discovering SO MUCH! this is a great opportunity for more learning and growth. for me, the key to my success is going to be letting go of CONTROL! i have always feared things that i have NO CONTROL over. i still have a lot of work to do, but i become a stronger person every day.
one exercise that has proven to be a HUGE help in my life, is journaling about the things i am grateful for-both BIG and small. so, here is my list of the wonderful blessings-not in any particular order-that i am so grateful for:
-AMAZING family and friends with love, care and concern for me and my family
-a great doctor that stayed on top of things so that i found out so early!
-2 beautiful little boys that love each other to pieces (MOST of the time!)
-the Gospel
-BLOGGING!
-scriptures
-my ward
-Bishop Lake (what an amazing man)
-answered prayers
-the Temple
-Eternal families (could it BE that i have 4 more Spirit children up in Heaven? YIKES...that's kind of a frightening thought! maybe i'll have more patience there?! haha. doubt it.)
-spring!
-food, clothing, shelter
-Atonement
-FUN!
-laughter
-tears
-America!
-great health insurance
-good health
-LOVE
-vacations
-SUNSHINE
-learning and growth
-knowledge
-Relief Society
-binkies (can i just say PEACE AND QUIET?!)
-the awesome examples of people that are stronger than I am!
-water (ocean, river, streams)
-mountains
i could go on all day.
i do not want to come across as "Holier than thou", or "sitting on a HIGH HORSE", because BELIEVE me, i have been through a WIDE range of emotions when dealing with pregnancy loss...ANGER, JEALOUSY, FRUSTRATION, FEAR, CONFUSION, did i mention ANGER?! but this time, i feel PEACE and words cannot express how GRATEFUL i am for my Heavenly Father's love for me. He makes everything okay. i'm going to take this a day at a time.
i look at life as a HUGE roller coaster ride...i'm just buckled up and ready for the ride. why try to control something i have NO CONTROL over? (including one VERY ORNERY two year old that is climbing on my computer and pushing my buttons-literally and figuratively-as we speak. guess its time to get off the computer!
thx for your love, prayers and support. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
20 comments:
Niki,
If I could only be more like you. You are an amazing person.
I'm sorry Niki - really I am. But I am happy for you that you are able to be honest with yourself and others and use this hard life's lesson to your advantage. Keep on plugging - you'll get your heart's desire in His timing :)
You're an inspiration Nik. Thanks for teaching me. I need your strength.
The very fact that you can count your blessings today says so much about you. You're great!
I'm glad you're so at peace with it. That's not an easy thing to accomplish. I love your blessings and agree with them-especially binkies!!
you are an inspiration. and i am so grateful for your sweet example. i am thinking of you. and know you are so amazing. seriously.
You ROCK girl.. good job on the strength.. I too, want to get stronger and let go!
Niki...love ya to pieces and I am so grateful for your example, friendship, and openness about trials and such in life. You've given me a better perspective on life!!
Niki - i so admire your perseverance and faith. What a great list of things to be grateful for!!
I admire your attitude and faith. You're a great example to the rest of us!
I am fortunate that I have not had to deal with a pregnancy that is not "viable" ~ I know myself well enough to know that I would be experiencing self-doubt and a whole lot of anger and confusion. You are my 2nd friend this week to go through this. thanks for sharing your thoughts and your PEACE, Niki!
Niki,
Thank you for your willingness to share somthing of such heart ache.You remind me that I am not the only person here on earth but that I share it with so many wonderful and unique woman I can learn from.
"Our needed conversions are achieved more readily by suffering and adversity than by comfort and tranquillity"...Elder Hales
Thanks for you example Niki...
What a tooper! I really admire you. Keep your chin up, a little one will join your family when it's right. Love ya!
Niki,
I'm sorry to hear about this. I think these times can bring about peace that we need, and it sounds as though you are embracing it. I hope you are comforted. Therapy is great! Everyone could use it. Who doesn't want someone to listen to their problems? I'm glad to hear you are understanding this craziness called life, these little glimpses we can get get us through. Hang in there!
Thank you, Niki. Thank you for being YOU. I was touched.
I'm sorry Niki. You are such a great example to me--you really are. Thank you for that. Take care.
oh my goodness .... of course I remember you. Nicole Willy ... we had so much fun with you! (Kristy and I thought you were so funny and cute!) If it wasn't for you I never would have met Matt ... you made us go to that Tacoma Single adult ward that Mother's day ... we wanted to go to Bellevue ... that's the day I met Matt. So thanks!!!! I'm so sorry about all this stuff you're dealing with ... I'll have to keep checking your blog now. Nice to "see" you!!
You are amazing girl! That is crazy to think about---if you have 4 spirit children. You are a wonderful mom and person and inspire me so much. Thanks for sharing your personal experience and teaching me patience, strength, love, faith--and so much more!
You are amazing. I wish we lived closer because I sure need some of your attitude to rub off on me. Thanks for sharing your pains and joys.
Hey Nik~Just want you to know I am thinking about you. Life can be so unexpected and crazy and unfair. Yet as you said, the Lord knows best. Although that doesn't always take away the pain. I love your honesty and please know that as my mom always says, "this too shall pass". The Lord knows you and your great spirit. He will continue to bless you.
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